Transitioning: My story

This column appeared in the Equity Buckfield newsletter issue #10 in July 2023.

When I began transitioning, I tried so hard to present as feminine. Being misgendered and deadnamed was so upsetting. Now, two years into hormone replacement therapy (HRT), I am misgendered much less often, but it is still disheartening.

When I began transitioning, I wore a wig, breast inserts, feminine clothes, and makeup. Even though I was decent at makeup and carried a purse, I was still frequently misgendered. I went through so much effort that it would break my heart when my efforts were overlooked. Why did I bother? But I knew HRT would take time, and I felt so much better finally dressing as myself.

Some people would misgender me on purpose, as if they had a point to prove. I remember enjoying dinner out with my mom and daughter when a nearby man finished his dinner and got up to leave his table. As he walked by us, he leaned over and whispered to my mom that I was “a very pretty man.” It takes zero effort to be nice and respectful to other humans, yet he chose to pause his whole day and go out of his way to make that hurtful observation.

I have some family members who refuse to use my name, even though it has been legally changed. My aunt told me that her religion doesn’t believe in trans people and that she would always call me by my deadname. Yet she had no problem when the other women in our family got married and changed their last names!

I was told that I had to respect my aunt’s wishes. I said no.

I won’t respect being disrespected. I cut ties with that part of my family.

The longer I continue on HRT, the less often people misgender me. As I began developing curves and my hair lengthened, I stopped wearing breast inserts and no longer needed wigs every day. My makeup skills improved and I began to pass most of the time. I would still get misgendered, but most people were okay with being corrected.

Now, two years in--without any surgeries but with effort put into my appearance--on most days, I pass. My emotional skin has thickened, too. I can handle being misgendered much better now, although it still hurts. It sometimes feels like it will just always happen, so I need to get used to it. I remain hopeful. I’ve learned ways to minimize the chances of being misgendered, such as frequenting the same grocery stores, gas stations, and nail salons. I get to know the people and stick with places that give me decent vibes.

When it comes to misgendering, what it all really boils down to is, do you want to be a nice person or not? Will you respect another person’s feelings and address them in a way that validates them, or will you choose to ignore all of that and make them feel awful? I like to make people feel happy. It always means so much to me when someone else chooses that same outcome for me.