Anxiety & depression

Being a trans girl is hard. Living with depression and anxiety is also hard. Being trans and living with depression and anxiety can feel nearly impossible. It can feel terrifying and lonely. It can make you question everything. It can leave you feeling hopeless on many days.

I often wonder if I’m good enough: Good enough to be anything to anyone. I hope I am, or will be as my future self; the future self I see when I close my eyes and imagine the beautiful and wise older woman I will become. As for right now, though, I’m stuck here in transgender puberty with all these feelings and emotions and rarely a soul to share them with.

I haven’t spoken, in any depth, to my friends in weeks. Why is that? I know certain ones that will make me feel better but I hesitate to reach out. Do I not want to feel better? Of course I do, but I don’t want to be a burden. Also, I’ve been hurt by so many friends since I came out and even currently so how do I trust? And as soon as a friend turns on you, they start calling you by your assigned gender and deadnaming you like they never believed in you in the first place. Again, how do I trust?

I find it really hard to not drink many days, which is a problem since I’m about four years sober. An old client, also in recovery, explained it to me this way: That monkey stays on your back. It’s always there and always hungry. If you don’t feed it, it stays a little monkey. However, if you do it can become a gorilla and really mess up your life. 

I mostly bury myself in work. I feel good at my job and my coworkers have to be nice. I’m not saying that I haven’t dealt with discrimination; I’ve dealt with some downright hostile coworkers. At this moment, though, I’m with a great group and have great clients.

When I’m not working, I tend to spend a lot of time with my mom. She feels safe and assuring. I feel lucky in that aspect as many trans girls don’t have a positive relationship with their parents. My mother and I have only grown closer since I came out and I am so grateful for our relationship. Without her I don’t know where I’d be. But I’m still missing something.

There is a hole that I hope to one day fill. With a friendship that lasts forever or a partner that will never let me go. Someday. But today I sit here depressed and anxious about even leaving the house. How am I ever going to find a person for me when I’m terrified of what people are capable of? Oh well, I’ll figure it out later. I think I’ll put makeup on, do my hair and dress nice, for me, and then I’ll head to work early. Or maybe I’ll lie here for a bit.